Relationship is.. Love is...?!

"Relationships aren't just about being happy. I mean, how often are you happy in your relationship?" - Samantha Jones from Sex & the City 2008.

So, what is relationships all about then? Love? Compromising? Make sure our partner is taken care of, make sure they're happy, make sure we share their burden and worries? Wat else?

I have to admit, and I hate to admit, I'm the ultimate worst girlfren in the world.. Lately, I have been feeling quite bad about it. I dont have a life. My work is my life.. my dogs as well. So wats left of me? I watch tv and read books & magazines.. I dont go shopping, I dont see my friends... what i'm trying to say is that, that left me no conversation, no interesting conversation to talk to my partner. It is pathetic, I know.

So when I'm not happy with him or our relationship, I dont think i have the right to complain anymore. At the beginning, according to him, i was pinpointing, i was picky i was difficult. I tried and i did put in effort. Ironically, what turned out is that, I chose to ignore all those that used to matter to me. Thats what i meant by not thinking too much about it.

S'times i wish i were me long ago..that believed in the girl power theory.. 'sorry is not good enuff.. wats said is said...'... i used to be like that. Feel sorry for whoever that was wt me back then.

I'm just driving myself crazy. What bothers me is that the sweetness, the patience and the respect. If those do not even exist anymore... wat is it that potrait 'relationship'?

Tonite, we went for Madagascar 2 at The Gardens. There was a small incident tat occured. There was this eurasion kid, he was over-excited about the animation, so he was making lotsa noise. In the middle of the movie, some French lady shouted at the parents of the kid and the kid asking him to shut up.. shut the f**k up. The dad kinda fought back. At the end of the movie, French lady actually went up to dad and started 'lecturing' the couple. There goes the fight... French lady has an Indian partner. Coincidently, French lady & partner walked our way to the car park. French lady was making lotsa bad comments about the couple.. Indian partner was explaining to her in a very calm and patient way. Of course, to us, the French lady is crazy and rude. I dun think many men would've been able to stand her.. but he stood by her, tried to talk her outta it.. didnt know whether it worked in the end..

What got me into thinking is that... 1) so, even the partner is rude, the partner will be the patient one to calm him/her down.. 2) There is alot of love and patience in Indian partner towards French lady.

From Madagascar2,

Melman to Motomoto about Gloria
“that’s not it. Listen motomoto you better treat this lady like a queen. Because you... you my friend, you’ve found yourself the perfect woman. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect woman, I would give her flowers every day. And not just any flowers ok? Her favorites are orchids. White. And I’d bring her breakfast every day. 6 loaves of wheat toast with butter on the side. No crusts. The way she likes it. I’d be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend. And I’d spend every day trying to think of how to make her laugh. She has the most… most amazing laugh. That’s what I would do, if I were you. But I’m not, so you do it.”

Thats soo sweet of Melman..

Wats with men actually? If u love ur lady, y cant u just show it? Wats wt the ego and being the chauvinist? Sigh..

I'll live and I'll get over it. As usual, apology always work on me.. and sleeping it off.. i'll not remember much about it after couple days.

I managed to pamper myself to facial, mani & pedicure with Jing + toiletries and grocery shopping.. then movies. What a day. I somehow do not enjoy facial as my handicapped back/shoulders/neck start hurting after 15 mins of lying down on the facial table. Somehow it is to make me look prettier..and rejunevate my skin..

I jumped outta bed this morning at 8am.. thinking its monday.. when i was about to shower, then i realised its sunday. there was a tiny bit of dissapointment. I somehow wished that its Monday and i can go to work. Yes, I'm hopeless. The 2nd time i woke up, before brunch, i washed Baileys and Coffee as Bobby's been washed. And i washed Izzie yesterday.

There are no guarantees in life

There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,Nor for the future.
All I know is That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing Your arms around
Laughing loudly
Unlike me Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you Unlike you
I am not pretending
There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.
The past, the present,
And the future, Are all side by side, Hand in hand.
You move and change,Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me, And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster

This is one of the songs from Grey's Anatomy soundtrack. Yeah, its all about Grey's, and I'm such a Grey's freak. put it that way, TV freak. ultimate freak.

Sometimes i do feel jealous of others for being able to go home early, 9am-5pm job, friends that haven't even worked in their entire life... but it got me into thinking, putting myself in their shoes, would i even enjoy that the kinda life that's soo different from mine right now? Maybe for the first few months, i'll embrace it.. lolz. nah nah nah.. i'm a Gemini. haha, what is it gotta do with this?!

Work's been fulfilling. Finally after few job pitches, few we turned down... etc, got a pitch on Monday! I'm sooo thrilled. still thrilled. Sometimes i can't believe its true. hehe. it means alot to me. like lots. and its all about teamwork too. And i did lotsa research... i'm not from marketing team, i'm not from PR, or event management... i was, (was) a music grad. I do have high expectations of what i'm delivering, and s'times too high and let myself down. To be able to cope with my ego, i studied whatever presentations that i manage to download from google... good and bad...

The moment i know the job is confirmed, i was head over heels. its like my baby... fingers crossed and not to let my superiors down, not to let my team down, not to let myself down.. i have to work harder, even harder!!!

Was at the international rugby tournament a fortnight ago, cute pic to share. :) more pics on my facebook.

There's this Spiderman at the tournament. 'Spiderman, spiderman, where have you been, spiderman...' lolz.

Waiting for Tan to finish his work and go to Klang for the roadshow. sigh. client servicing? i guess soo.

my baby Izzie is growing!! noty, and skin problem, check out her nose, her fur just vanished one morning i woke up. brought her to the vet, brought all the dogs to the vet, check up/ vaccination, costs me a BOMB again!! as usual... but that's what i have chosen to dedicate to them, all my babies.

Happy Go Lucky!

Weekend wasn't too bad, provided the fact that i needed more rest. Sigh.

But i'm glad i managed to make it to Dennis's spectacular performance at One U on Sunday afternoon. Even i was quite worn out after hosting the kinde's graduation ceremony. I wasn't happy with the arrangement and lack of preparation for being the host. I could've handled it better.

Sigh, shopping mall events.. i was quite grumpy with the crowd and the mess. I guess, I have some ethic and professionalism in me lolz and made myself stayed till Dennis finished his performance, which was nearly the end of the event. Was starving and exhausted and had my favourite roast pork laksa at Cravings wt yang.

I'm having the work too much, no-life symptons. I think i have been having it all this while after i join bk the company. Nothing bad, just on weekends, no work, no events weekend, i feel very lost and miserable. Yes, I dont get Monday blues... as i look forward and energetic going to work. I guess its the way i like being surrounded by all the lovely workmates and the aura around everyone.

Lovely Shifu and me

I should look forward to weekend. spend more time at home, with mom n dad n grandma, of cos my 4 lovely doggies. Hvnt been spending enuff time with Bobby and Baileys. Esp poor Bobby that has just finished his chemo. And poor baby Baileys is still a pup that constantly needing attention. Better spend time with her and Bobby.

Bobby and his umbrella

Ugly Baileys

Dumb Dumb Coffee

Alas, we finally got a name for the cutie pup, Izzie. She's soooooooooooo cute! CUTE CUTE CUTE! noty girl. She's been getting all the attention from everyone at home. Cutie pie. So worried that she wouldn't have survived when I first saw her. Poor thing, being left on the street, bitten by ants and had the infection all over her tail and neck. She's still having this ugly tail. And stupid me read a stupid pet-care book when i was young of docking the puppy's tail n made it worse. By the time I realised after google-ing it was already half a day of docking... sorry baby. I'm the stupid mommy. Should've researched it before i did that stupid thing.

She can walk very well now, and she runs heaps fast.

The first time i fed her the a/d can food 2 days ago, she was sooo eager. Stopped bottle feeding her and teaching her to eat/drink from the plate.

Yes, thats another more than 15 years of responsibility for the family. But we're glad and grateful to have her.

Baby Izzie

Work's fine, relationship is.. i guess... fine, if i think so. lolz. if I just dont think too much or too hard about it. The not so 100% of my life.. is i try not to think of Meeko, Max and Moomoo and the lovely Adelaide home that i miss tooooo badly. At times i feel guilty for pushing them outta my mind.. life stuff.. nothing's perfect.

Home sweet home

My Beautiful roses that are dying!

Maxie, Moomoo & Meeko

Life is messy. That's how we're made

From Grey's Anatomy, Meredith: "A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

Fear?! mistakes.. aint all those what we all go thru almost every single day in our lives?

My emo rollercoaster is killing me softly.

Stress from work? I guess so. Thought i could've handled the stress better.

Anti-social? Most probably. I had no where to go tonite. I could've gone to Putrajaya for tonite's event. The thought of driving so far.... in the end, i gave up the thought.

Go coffee with friends? Dunno who to call. I do have a few friends that i should catch up with. The usual gang? WHO? thats the moment i realised that i don't have an 'usual gang' of friends here in KL. My usual gang is my workmate?! I guess so. so sad, sob sob.

2 weeks ago, someone left a new born pup infront of the house. She's one of the cutest things on earth. how could someone just abandoned her? check out the pics.

There've been a few roadkills of strays lately.. my heart grieves every single time. I guess I can't save all the dogs in the world..sigh..

Think harder, we human are the intruders from decades ago, destroying the animals habitat and build our homes.. slaughtering them as our food.... when i wanna make myself feel better, i tell myself thats the 'food-chain'.. but somehow i wonder is there any conscience in others?! Has something gone wrong with our educational system that they're still not enough love in us to at least treat the dogs/cats a little nicer? As in not kicking them out and let them turn into strays and wander on the street then get run over by cars?

The current 4 canines at KL home are strays that we have picked up over the years.
This morning Ping saw a 'LOST dog' notice in the paper, then she began telling me the accident that had happened to her sis in law's pug. Then I couldnt help it... i thought i have buried it in the least noticeable corner in my heart.. my poor Geno. I have lost her since 2.5 years ago.. i guess... every single time when my imagination goes haywire, i couldnt stop thinking that she's been run over... been slaughtered... been tortured... abused... then i thought of my Dudu and darling Daken. The moment i had to put Daken to sleep... broke me into pieces. I was soo helpless, i didnt know wat to do before and after she passed. She had a seizure and stroke ... she's my darling, my baby... and i couldnt see her suffer but i didnt wanna let her go. but i know i had to.

The last night before Dudu passed away... I was spending all night with him looking after him.. he struggled a few times trying to get up and wandered here n there. And i laid him down again on his bed. The moment i went to my room for shower to get ready for work, the maid Ani knocked on my door and told me that Dudu has passed away. When the vet sent someone to pick up Dudu for cremation, he told me that dogs usually dont let the owners see them pass.. the thought of him being so considerate.. i miss him even more and my tears were boiling in my eyes. He's my very first dog, had him since i was 10.

All dogs go to heaven. They're in a better place now.


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Another quote from Meredith: "At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross. "

Boundaries. Exactly how important it means to everything in our lives? Work? Relationship?

I guess i'm kinda in a little of mess tonite. Y? guess the reason y is that i hve almost finished all my work.. had no where to go.. too much goin on in my mind...

thinking of stupid things. ridiculous stuff. unachievable ambition... all the dreams that seem very very far away.

relationship? when i was young, i used to think that i'd be one of those gals that'll get married before the age of 26, wanted to be a young mom. somehow, as time goes by, it seems further and further away. When Jing got married, there were many many, countless ppl asked me when's my wedding?
hm.. good question. when the day comes.

no weekend this week. work and work.

what does not kill me makes me stronger? or...am i already dead?

I've given up on my travel blog. not so good wt tat. oh well, the conclusion for the sg trip is tat i really appreciate the opportunity for visiting the aunties. thanks mom for bringing me meeting all the relatives in sg. been soo long. somehow it made me really miss my aunty that has passed away more than 5 years ago. aunty yangyang, vivian's mom. sigh. a woman that has the kindred spirit but the misfortune for her marriage. think of it tat way, she's in a better place now.

yeah, i've been crying since yesterday. what the heck is wrong with me? Blame it on the rainy season. i thought i'm alwayz the happy bunny that has nothing to worry about. maybe i'm expecting too much from myself?

the very last time, i broke down and cried was the day when i decided to leave Adelaide and had the very serious nervous breakdown. sigh. things we do when we're young. Being young's not an excuse, truly understand that.

when i collapse, the song that alwayz comfort me is Christina's "The Voice Within".

Young girl don’t cryI’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alrightYour tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly
When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explainOf the heartache life can bring and what it means
When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within
Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight soon you’re gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul
Life is a journey it can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you’re learning you’ll find all you’ll ever need to know(be strong)
You’ll break it(hold on)
You’ll make it
Just don’t forsake it because no one can tell you what you can’t do
No one can stop you, you know that I’m talking to you

Sg trip 1st part

Its actually been more than 2 weeks since my trip to SG.

Below's wat i've done and places that i went to in SG.

Day 1: 2 Oct 2008 (Thursday)
The coach to SG via Aeroline was not too bad. Still, I suffer from motion sickness when i'm not the driver, so i took 2 tablets of the Valerian Forte and knocked out after i had the coach meal. The TV was playing and the lights was on for quite some time. and stupid me forgot to charge my iPod so the battery ran out fairly quickly. Lucky lucky luckily i had my never-fail SE-K850i and i was smart enuff to bring the handsfree headphone.

Around mid-night mom and I arrived in Singapore, where the new casinos are being built. Mom's best fren, Aunt Mu Lan came with her husband Uncle Lai to pick us up. Mom and Aunt Mu Lan really 'hyper-active', they wanted supper.i was nearly half dead after the coach trip.

The old folks were really 'out-going'. lolz.
And obviously after the food i was falling asleep and bored. haha.

During our trip in Singapore, we stayed at Aunt Mu Lan's house at River Valley, which is a very nice and cosy suburb. Sadly, i did not manage to take photos of the residence.

Day 2: 2 October 2008 (Friday)

Morning: Breakfast at the Market Street Food Court

After breakfast we went to Stand Chart and did some serious stuff lolz which tooooook fooooor-eeee-v-eeeeeeer.

This's mom and Aunt Mu Lan getting the directions for the relatives visit for us.

And, i was so excited seeing the 'Keppel' buildings in Raffles Place, as this is the shipping company where Keshav used to work at.

Then we walked to the raffles place mrt station, to catch the mrt to..oops, i forgot.

Continue tmr. lolz.

BACK!!!

am back from Singapore and back to work.

1st day of work after the holidayz wasnt as bad. even my bio-clock is still bit messed up.

will photo blog tmr for Sg trip.

Frustration - sucked up!!!

I've already forgotten when was the last time i blogged. I have never thought I'd have abandoned my blog sanctuary on multiply.com. Finally it has come to an end for that blog. Thought of printing them out n bind into a book.. a long lost word 'diary'. Ironically, then wats the point of having the blog?!

I've woken up so many times, asking myself, y am I still here in KL?! If you ask me do i love it here, the answer is, sorry, no offence, NO, I don't. The safety haunts me... the everyday bad traffic drives me nuts..if i were not the driver, i suffer from cloisterphobia. the grass is always greener on the other side.

I am here because I do not want to ever regret in the future for not spending quality time with mom & dad and esp grandma. And i hv managed to spend the last 1.5 year with my beloved old old doggies before they passed away earlier this year which was really devastating.

I have changed the way I dress, the way I talk... somehow I do not feel like myself. And constantly hypnotising/convincing myself to belive that I do not miss it in Adelaide. Yeah, its bitter to admit that, its pathetic.
This is the path that I have chosen, this was the decision i have made which I do not regret at all. Even one part of me.. most part of me has been left behind in Adelaide. On the way home today, almost.. everyday on my way home, i'll think of my doggies that have gone to heaven, then doggies in Adelaide.. my triple Ms, and then my doggies at home then I fall into the emotion trap again and then the sobbing starts... yes, am such a drama queen.. sadly.

And then i need the 'me-time' with Bobby, Baileys & spastic Coffee. Baileys is super hyper-active, just exactly like Meeko when she's young. Need not to say cos she's a half Lab. Then i'll start making a paperbox toy for Baileys and Coffee or run around like a mad woman with them. And this has become my everyday routine provided I'm not too exhausted from work.

Sadly, Bobby's been diagnosed with an early stage cancer. Vet found a cancerous pin point tumour in him. He's had his 3rd chemo last month. Mom's been calling me crazy for spending most of my money on the doggies. Esp for Baileys when I picked her up from the street.
When my doggies left for heaven, for once in my life, i hope that i have not have any conscience or sympathy for dogs in me... I'm doing all I can to have Bobby healthy again. How i wish i were a vet.. that was my ambition. Maybe its good that I'm not? If i were really a vet... will the passion been driven away since i have to do it as a job... which applies the same on my music career.

Don't.. Don't even go there...

Its the 4th month i'm back in this company. Ppl come & go.. there're certain things/ppl that're still the same... there're certain things/ ppl that hve changed & derived. I'm doing my best and I always give my best at work. I thought I am old/mature enuff to pull it thru wit ppl's attitude. And I do believe myself as a people-person that will never ever dislike anyone, at work esp. My philosophy is to always be nice and ppl'll eventually treat u the same way, well, most of the time at least.. There're times that i feel unfair & frustrated... i told myself, this's life. life stuff. the funny thing is, my work is almost my life... it is just soo different from how it used to be.

remember when i was working back then, the sweet escape from my music career.. working full time as a so called fashion retail consultant.. after work i will go to the market and shop for food & all.. drive home or get picked up by bee.. then prepare the dinner for us and the doggies.. dishes - tv - walk the dogs.. s'times drinks/dinner wit friends... or some play/shows in town..
weekend.. drinks/dvd marathon on fri/sat nite..oh ya, worked in a bar/club for a while..on fri/sat nites..
sat/sunday will be some outing wit the gals or brekkies/coffee... (when i need not to work) or the sunday market or dog show or picnic.. u name it.. dogs outting.. when i actually live a life.

This feeling will eventually go away after a while, then it'll come back again outta no where and the cycle begins again.

There’s a clarity thing when you cross over the edge. There’s a moment when everything just melts away and you’re fearless.

Bravo for my 1st blog post in at least 6 months!

Tmr is another brand new day.