miss independant

Its 2009. Yeah it is, which it means that i'm turning 28 this year. Its kinda scary.. scary in the way that I have not achieved a big career like how i have wished for when i was a little girl. I always remember being a little too over the top of wanting myself to be a successful lady that makes a great income of 10k/month.. that was what i told myself when i was young.. 'quesera, sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to c....' that sweet song that we used to sing...

sigh. evidently i'm bit miserable lately. esp ever since i got bck from Adelaide last Sunday. it was a sweet and short stay. yes, i miss it soo badly. i was ok and happy to see my sayang.. that few hours. it alarmed today that, i only see him few hours/week... s'times per fortnight.. then it got me into thinking... is it enough for our relationship. guess not, or we wouldnt have had so many miscommunications.

work is overloaded. i guess i'm on the edge. i teared when i was driving home tonight from work. yes, i needed some TLC. but sayang had his blocked nose and couldnt talk to me on the phone. i guess i went thru my emotions roller coaster and stubborn tears. and as a matter of fact, the job that i nominated myself to hwee, is not easy. not easy in the sense of there are too many unknown status, and it drives me nuts whenever i work on a job that i dont have the details.

the only thing that keeps me sane is the pampering time with my doggies. izzie has grown so much. she's still one of the cutest things on earth. baileys is amazingly smart. i was impressed that she remembers all the tricks that i have taught her. just training her to be more 'polite' and 'discipline', so she gets more attention from others.

what do i miss about Adelaide when its such a boring town? the little house that bee and i share. the good times with my triple Ms. living on our owns, like grown ups. i do feel blessed and lucky when mom cooks dinner for me here in KL. its the sweetness and the warmth alwayz. living in adelaide means that i dont get this luxury. funniest thing is, i still enjoy doing everything myself in adelaide. maybe it is the fact that we set up the home ourselves, know where everything is stored. sigh.. i was jumping around and talkin non stop to bee even it was a 45 degrees heat wave day. strolling on those familiar streets... seeing all the familiar faces.. adelaide is only this big.

and, i miss bee. badly. after i moved bk, it made me realised that she's my best friend afterall. it was quite sad that our relationship was quite bad and that was one of the reasons i came back to KL. i was saddened. but, we've grown thru the months.. and stepping into the 3rd year i'm back in KL. she's my best shopping mate. she's the one that's put up with my craziness and craps. she's my lovely baby sister. its her bday today, how i wish i were there to celebrate wt her.

when i was back in adelaide... i felt soo much like myself. i was doing all my favourite things.. went to places that i love... not all though of course, due to my short stay. having all my fav food.. and speaking like myself. everytime i speak malaysian english, i feel like a lost soul, as i struggle to deliberately put on the malaysian accent so that people will understand me better and not call me 'arrogant or showie'. when i was able to speak like how i used to, it just flowed and i just spoke non stop. paulo and dave were paying me out after i told them that i speak 'malaysian' these days.

its ironic when regina is depressed since she went back to adelaide from KK. i do somehow wish i feel the same like reg.. someone once told me that its because i'm not willing to adapt to KL, thats why i torture myself with my so called 'nostalgia' emotions.

when sayang said to me.. 'went there a few years then think i'm aussie....', maybe he didnt say it intentionally.. but it broke my heart. i thought he would understand. maybe he will, one day.

i was very happy being able to catch up with the boys on paulo's birthday. they weren't my closest friends but they were the ones that have looked out for me when we worked together. i guess the non perfect part was there were some complications and misunderstanding between the boys during my stay there. but it is sweet everytime when they call me the 'sister', and what's touching is that dave told me that all these years, they protect me like their 'little sister' and they can never see me dating as they think i should only date a 100% perfect man. hehe, maybe it was drunk talk, but it was sweet, real sweet. and the funniest part is that, they keep forgetting that i'm actually their 'big sister'. lolz, as i'm so much older than them. even it was just 1 night, i treasure the time i spent with them.

they were surprised when i told them that i've turned into a anti-social workaholic freak back here in KL. what is wrong with me really?! sigh. i guess i have attempted to fall in love with KL but i failed, so i bury myself with work and nothing else.

remember when i decided to move bk here, i was struggling in my career part that i was giving up my music career, wanted to do something else, felt guilty if i told mom n dad to support me to do another course... i was happily working at ICE as a retail sales but felt it was a brainless, non productive job.. things wasnt going easy with bee and... not to mention.. and i thought i could give up everything there and come bk here to start a new life. little did i know.. it's been eating me since day one. but the most important reasons that i've convinced myself was that, i wanted to spend time with grandma, mom n dad and my late doggies. and that thought made me proud and i made the decision so quickly, i moved back after about 1 month. have i felt regretful since then? a little, not heaps, as it has changed me so much. i feel lucky to still be able to spend time with family and spent the last minute of my doggies' lives with them.. these means tooo much to me somehow. and being able to meet 'him' is what i'm grateful about, minus those arguing and crying times.. lolz.

and now, the thought of going back to adelaide is so strong. what am i gonna do there?

i've been wanting to be a vet, sadly, i'm not smart enough. always wanted to do the animal care/vet nurse course... checked on tafe sa website and the other institution, costs less than aud2k to do the course. or, bee and i have been talking about setting up a small bizness. i feel guilty. guilty to leave mom n dad n grandma again. i've given myself another year or two and back in adelaide by year 2011.. even i do somehow wish that i'll wake up in my adelaide bed the next day.

hope i can overcome this roller coaster soon. its killing me everyday and its not healthy. at the mean time, i'll work hard and save more money and give all my money to mom.

good night lingy.