Point of no Return

I dunno why I have come home. I have been crying non stop for 3 hours, will i even stop?

I just can't stop thinking.. this is the worst decision ever in my life. I'm not sure. The marriage? The pregnancy? Anyhow, its point of no return.

I hate myself for having the thought to end this life. Its so sinful.. so terrible.

I see no sun in my sky. Every morning when i wake up, I tell myself, this is all gonna be worth it. Not long to go.. I love my man, he is the reason i'm doing this. And when we argue, everything shatters. Is there really love?

I have not felt love from him for a long long time. He says he loves me, only when i say it to him. He doesn't hug me. He is not interested in our conversations. He is always occupied with something. I shall just shut up. I feel like a nuisance, burden and annoyance to him. Like I've pushed us into this crappy situation of having to start our lives together so soon.

S'times i wish, he could just lay his eyes on me again.. I have not seen those admiring eyes for a long long time. I know I'm not attractive anymore.. no longer pretty.. and I'm no longer the girl of his dream. And probably realized that I'm not the wife he has expected. I just hope one day he can stop correcting my flaws. My driving is so bad.. I'm a number 1 messy person.. I'm a lousy Tupperware demonstrator.. I can't do laundry.... my English/grammar is so bad.. I stammer when I talk in front of him.. I'm never good enough.

Its not just about me me and me. I hope he'll share his feelings with me.. but he says he's not used to it.

Every time his face changes, my heart jumps then I start tip-toeing.. or shut up. When I hear loud bangs, i start trembling.. bang bang bang.. it drives a hyper-sensitive preggo woman crazy. But afterall, i'm just a crazy emo preggo wife.

Edema is quite bad. Face, neck, fingers, legs, feet...etc all swollen and painful. Wake up every morning with painful joints. I've been telling him. I've been hoping maybe he will offer me a short, nice little foot massage.. or s'thing. Just the thought that counts.. just wanna know that i'm still on his mind.

I really hate this married and pregnant life. I feel like a failure. At the age of 29, I have no career.. no savings, .. clumsy, careless...and a husband that's never happy with anything, everything I do and yet I'm going to have a baby so soon....
and that I can never be a good wife nor a good mother. I have tried my best. But I know i'm never ever good enough for him.

I dunno why I have come home. So, when he says he won't bother me anymore.. this is what he means. So, we're like house-mates now. Tears don't matter to him..

Baby's movement has been causing terrible discomfort. I prayed to God last night that I will stop complaining and appreciate every movement from baby, as its a blessing and its good that baby is moving actively. I know and I understand. But the movements are hurting me a lot. Not long to go. Pray to God again, for you to be healthy.