Marriage is not just about marrying the right person, but being the right partner.
Instead of bursting out my temper every couple days... I've just chosen to keep them all to myself. I am still getting used to the way hubby talks.. his scolding is caring theory. Its not easy especially when I'm hyper sensitive these days.
The recently popped out PUPPP is driving me crazy few times a day. I'm trying to cope with it. Lower hip pain is getting better after I got to rest for 3 days at home without stress. I do stress about housework. Oh yeah, I can clean, just not good at maintaining. Yeah, I'll deal with it.
I understand hubby is trying and working very hard to adapt to our new lives too. Going back to studies, in a brand new environment, sometimes I feel very sad I dunno why. Then I just tell myself, its all temporary, maybe for a couple years. We just have to be strong and get thru it. I just want him to be happy...What I worry is that we both won't be able to get thru this, due to communications problems.
When he's tired, frustrated, he sounds very rough and rude, which he doesn't realize. When I use the same tone back, we argue. What I dont get is that, why can't he just sounds a little nicer to me? I've changed heaps since I met him, still trying to change my bad habits into a better person and I do hope that he can do it too, so we can have a good and healthy marriage life.
Last night was the 2nd parental education class at the hospital. We were late again cos I insist to have dinner before the class. Sigh, fail miserably. Next week we'll be early. Promise. I finish at 5.30pm, so maybe go straight to town when hubs picks me up.
At the beginning of the lesson, I was still quite horrified of labour. Throughout the class, I kept telling myself, I can do it I can do it.. if every other woman can do it.. and I somehow overcome the fear, I mean, not completely, but at least I'm not as scared as before.
And after today, I know that, if I expect too much from hubby, I'll probably go into depression, totally. He is all new to this as well, its not fair for him either. I'm a strong girl, always have been. I shall not be weaken by all these. Even its recently occurred to me that I've lost a lot of my confidence around hubby. Sometimes I feel like a stupid wife that doesn't know anything. I've told him before and of course he doesn't realize that things that he says to me does let me down heaps.
Like my English is really bad.... I sometimes make the mistakes of he/she.. .. I can't keep the house clean... I can't do my Tupperware party very well.. (i'm still learning and getting used to it..).. I know sometimes he's trying to encourage me.. but when he's serious, when he's 'caring', it always seems like telling me off and correcting me.. reasoning me... and I'm sooooo tired of it.
I was very scared n worried tonight when I thought I saw a ghost at the park with Moomoo. All I got was: "There're a couple of mistakes that you made...." When I accidentally burned myself... "How many times I told you not to....?".. "Why u so careless again?" accidents do happen u know... a simple "are you ok?" will only come after.. or if I ask for the 'are you ok?', all i get is "whatever la.." and then I'm left standing there, blank and having to deal wt my wound.. .or my hurt feelings.
The pregnancy doesn't help as it sorta magnifies everything. But I do remember going through all the same stuff with him throughout our relationship. Before and after getting married. Most of the time, I just hope that he'll spend a little more time on getting to know me... but he thinks he already knows me too well. And I'm too scared to get closer to him. And I think he feels the same.. cos I always have to take the initiative to talk to him.. to update him about the pregnancy.. and at times I get really tired of always having to be the one to do the talking. And when I'm quiet.. then something is wrong with me.... :(
All the dreams and wish I have been longing for suddenly have just vanished. Of course, cos we're expecting a baby. And so we have to have different dreams now...We're living on a budget now, so I can't expect nice gifts or romantic dine out. Actually, I don't really remember we ever had a nice, arranged special romantic dinner with hub since we met because to him, its waste of money and not necessary. I know he helping around the house and surprising me with houseworks is how he cheers me up these days. I shud be happy. I am happy. Although I'm still longing for flowers the most wasteful thing ever in the world to him... even just the beautiful roses from our front yard... I'll pluck them for myself.
We'll be meeting our Caden Ng Bo Young very soon. I pray everyday for him to be healthy. I guess most of my worries come from, being scolded by hubby. We've been thru this already. I'm afraid that my clumsiness and forgetfulness will make heaps of mistakes.. and might harm Caden.. and that hubby will shout at me.. scold me... and blame me. I know that's my biggest fear and of cos I'll be extra careful around Caden. I hope I can be a good mother.
How I've chosen not to let out my temper and be angry with his tone of voice is to keep quiet and entertain myself & listen to beautiful love songs and praise songs. Silence is always golden. I do have the fear that this might let him think that I've gotten used to it.... whatever. If he senses there's a problem, he should change the way he speaks without me pin-pointing every time. I do hope that he'll not speak to me like that in front of Caden, cos to me its very rude and Caden will pick it up and speak to me like that too. I am so tired.
To him.. to others, I'm worrying too much.. I'm thinking too much.
After Caden is born, its all about Caden. Its normal... everything is about our precious. So thats the greatest love of all. Mothers always come last.
Sometimes I wish, he'll see less of my flaws & shortcomings and appreciate more of my beauty and things that I've been doing... and I've been reminding myself to be like that too ever since the first time he said I pinpoint his flaws when we were dating...
I just hope that he'll realize it someday and its not too late and we can really live happily ever after. Expect less and appreciate more. I believe God will lead us. Like He always does.
I remember the rain on the roof that morning
And all the things that I wanted to say
The angry words that came from nowhere without warning
That stole the moment and sent me away
And you standing there at the
doorway crying
And me wondering if I'd ever be back
I said I didn't come here to leave you
I didn't come here to lose
I didn't come here believing I would ever be away from you
I didn't come here to find out
There's a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by the power of love
Love by grace
And I remember the road just went on forever
Just couldn't seem to turn that car around
'Til in the distance like a long lost treasure
A phone booth that just could not be found
And you standing there at the doorway waiting
And the moment when we laid back down
That was just a moment in time
And one we'll never forget
One we can leave behind
'Cause when there was doubt
You'll remember I said
I didn't come here believing I would ever be away from you
I didn't come here to find out
There's a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by the power of love
I was brought here by the power of love
Love by grace
I always think that I know everything
But you insist I know nothing
I always fight to have very last word
But your thoughts were never heard
I'm sorry, so sorry
Didn't mean to hurt you
I'll borrow your sorrow
Don't tell me it's through
I wish I could take back some things I said
I wish I could make things better
I wish I could take back some things I did
Everyday I'm feeling sadder
I'm sorry, so sorry
Didn't mean to hurt you
I'll borrow your sorrow
It's my turn now to cry
Never fear I'll be here
Say a prayer
We can take on the hands of time
And I, I know we can make it
If we just stay together
And trust each other on this one
I'm sorry, so sorry
Didn't mean to hurt you
I'll borrow your sorrow
Don't tell me it's through, don't tell me it's through
Said I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I've never meant to, never meant to hurt you
I'll borrow, I will borrow your sorrow
It's my turn now to cry
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